Just For Laughs

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"

On This Day in History

April 19 Events: 1587 - Sir Francis Drake sinks the French fleet. 1775 - Start of the American Revolutionary War. 1919 - The first successful parachute jump and free fall is made. 1995 - The Oklahoma City bombing - A federal building is bombed killing 168 people.

Famous Birthdays

April 19 Famous Birthdays: 1903 - Elliot Ness (FBI Agent) 1935 - Dudley Moore (Actor) 1962 - Al Unser 1968 - Ashley Judd (Actress) 1978 - James Franco (Actor) 1979 - Kate Hudson (Actress) 1981 - Hayden Christenson (Actor) 1981 - Troy Polamalu (NFL Football Player) 1987 - Maria Sharapova (Tennis player)

On the Light Side

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck. “Where’s Harry?” asked another hunter. “He fainted a couple miles up the trail,” Harry’s partner answered. “You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?” “It was a tough decision,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Harry!”

Amazing Facts

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

Kids Say the Darnest Things

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to avoid attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

Idiot Sightings

IDIOT SIGHTING - At the bank where I worked, a young fellow came in one day and told me he wanted to borrow some money but he was training to be a professional WWF-like wrestler so didn't have a steady stream of income. I asked him to get a letter drawn up confirming the amount and return to the bank as soon as possible. He wasn't clear on this so I told him he needed a piece of paper from his employer, saying how much money he makes, and it should have letterhead at the top of the page. Well, the next day he did return, with a letter done up in his own hand writing, saying "I, John Smith, make 00 a month", and the word "Letterhead" clearly hand printed at the top of the page.

Where Did This Come From?

FLY IN THE OINTMENT: This old saying comes from the Bible. In Ecclesiastes 10:1 the writer says that dead flies give perfume a bad smell (in old versions of the Bible the word for perfume is translated 'ointment').

Betcha Didn't Know This!

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

Here's a Cute One

The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. "How’d you do it?" we asked. "Easy," she said. "Every night I take my teeth out at six o’clock."

Healthy Tips

EAT FATTY FISH. Pretty much everyone agrees that fish is healthy. This is particularly true of fatty fish, like salmon, which is loaded with omega-3 fatty acids and various other nutrients. Studies show that people who eat the most fish have a lower risk of all sorts of diseases, including heart disease, dementia and depression.