TheChatter – Madera

Just For Laughs

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked. "Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

On This Day in History

MAY 31: Events: 1930 First woman to run 100 yards was Stella Walsh in 10.8 seconds. 1967 Evel Knievel jumps 16 cars on a motorcycle at Ascot Speedway in California. 1993 American Joni Phelps is First blind woman to climb Mt. McKinley.

Famous Birthdays

MAY 31: Famous Birthdays Tom Berenger, actor Clint Eastwood, actor Colin Farrell, actor Brooke Shields, actress Peter Yarrow, singer, composer

On the Light Side

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesus."

Amazing Facts

A sheep, a duck and a rooster were the first passengers in a hot air balloon.

Kids Say the Darnest Things

During a Sermon…Dear Lord, “the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous face. “Without you, we are but dust…” He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”

Idiot Sightings

IDIOT SIGHTING - Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Stay Alert! They walk among us... (they drive, too)... they reproduce... they vote and I'm sure that many of them hold elected office.

Where Did This Come From?

SIDEKICK: The term comes from the days of notorious pickpocket activities in London. They had their own language for different pockets that were the style of the day. For example: Jerve as a vest pocket. And Kick was a pocket on the side in a pair of pants. And the Pratt was the back pocket. Of all the pockets, the most difficult to pick was the KICK, because it was close to the victim's leg and was always moving. After a while, smart people discovered that the safest spot to keep your money was in his "side kick" or side pocket of his pants. Today the term now means a faithful partner or pet that is by ones side, often even helpful and protective.

Betcha Didn't Know This!

In 1980, Detroit presented Saddam Hussein with a key to the city.

Here's a Cute One

More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance. "This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows.” "I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"

Healthy Tips

Go to Sleep Without Sheep. Instead of counting fence-hurdling sheep to fall asleep, just wear socks. Swiss researchers found that people fell asleep quickest when their hands and feet were warmest. This happens because warm feet and hands cause blood vessels to enlarge, allowing more heat to escape your body, which in turn lowers your core temperature faster and causes you to nod off sooner. The researchers say putting on socks may help you fall asleep in half the time it normally takes.