Just For Laughs

A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things: (1) The bartender is a blonde girl. (2) The bouncer is a blonde girl. (3) I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate. (4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. (5) The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

On This Day in History

July 26 Events: 1775 - The department that would later become the United States Post Office is established. 1788 - New York becomes the 11th state of the United States. 1908 - The FBI is formed. 1947 - The National Security Act is signed creating the Central Intelligence Agency, Department of Defense, Joint Chiefs of Staff, and the National Security Council. 1991 - The video game Sonic the Hedgehog is released.

Famous Birthdays

July 26 Famous Birthdays: 1856 - George Bernard Shaw (Playwright) 1875 - Carl Jung (Psychiatrist) 1943 - Mick Jagger (Singer for the Rolling Stones) 1956 - Dorothy Hamill (Ice skater) 1959 - Kevin Spacey (Actor) 1964 - Sandra Bullock (Actress) 1965 - Jeremy Piven (Actor) 1973 - Kate Beckinsale (Actress) 1977 - Rebecca St. James (Singer)

Betcha Didn't Know This!

When we go to sleep and enter REM (Rapid Eye Movement), our bodies become completely paralyzed as areas of the brain that control movement are de-activated. It is this that stops us falling out of bed.

On the Light Side

When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me. At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. “Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.” As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”

Kids Say the Darnest Things

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?" A little kid said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''

Where Did This Come From?

PLAY HOOKEY: Isaak Walton was a fisherman and author about it. He'd stress how important it was to get that hook stuck in the fish's mouth. To do that you needed to do a sudden jerk! Therefore, to "hook" got associated with the action of "a jerk." Now, we get to schools. When the teacher's back was turned, a kid would bolt off! If he got away with it, he'd hide and not show up for roll call. Soon, this represented a "jerk of defiance" similar to like a jerk to hook on a fishing pole. So, it was called "hooky" rather than simply being defiant to mean skipping school.

Idiot Sightings

IDIOT SIGHTING - An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. Stay alert! They walk among us!

Healthy Tips

SIP WHILE YOU SIT. Bring a cup or bottle of water with you whenever you sit (at your desk, in the car or in front of the TV, for example). Although moving is better than sitting, at least you'll be performing a healthy habit when at rest.

Here's a Cute One

SOME GOOD NEWS: ** The parachute company says you'll get a full refund. **They say the house didn't float very far at all. ** The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars. ** The insurance pays the full book value (2) for your 1956 T Bird.

Stacked Funnies

FUNNY SIGNS: ** Sign at an Amelia Island, FL podiatrist office: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed." ** State Park in California: "Weather Station (A large sign with a rock hanging on a rope) Check the rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado." ** Sign in a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out!