Thursday, May 30, 2024
Just For Laughs
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked. "Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
On This Day in History
May 30 Events: 1431 - Joan of Arc is burned at the stake. 1539 - Hernando De Soto lands in Florida with the hope of finding gold. 1806 - Future U.S. president Andrew Jackson shoots and kills Charles Dickinson in a duel. 1868 - Memorial Day is observed in the United States for the first time. 1911 - The first Indianapolis 500 auto race. 1922 - In Washington, D.C., the Lincoln Memorial is dedicated.
Famous Birthdays
May 30 Famous Birthdays: 1908 - Mel Blanc (Voice Actor of Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny) 1918 - Bob Evans (Restaurant owner) 1943 - Gale Sayers (Football Player) 1962 - Manny Ramirez (Baseball Player) 1964 - Wynonna Judd (Singer) 1980 - Steven Gerrard (Soccer player)
Betcha Didn't Know This!
Marie Curie's notebooks are still radioactive
On the Light Side
A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me . And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you ,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the . The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the 00. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over .
Kids Say the Darnest Things
“Daddy, where did I come from?” the seven-year-old asked. Her parents took her into the living room, got out several books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly. “Does that answer your question?” her father asked. “Not really,” the little girl said. “Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from!”
Where Did This Come From?
GRAVEYARD SHIFT: All companies that work around the clock have a graveyard shift. It really has nothing to do with graveyards or burial places. Actually, any thick liquid was termed "gravy." So if you laughed till you cried you were called "gravy-eyed." And lack of sleep lead to bleary eyes, and sailors who had to stay up on deck all night were often "gravy-eyed" from weariness. When the term was said in pubs and other places on land, these people did not quite get it. Because superstitions were so rampant in those days, they assumed it had to do with graves, being dead tired, etc. So the seafaring phrase got reformed by the landlubbers to mean "graveyard shift."
Idiot Sightings
IDIOT SIGHTING - A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. Stay Alert! They walk among us... (they drive, too)... they reproduce... they vote and I'm sure that many of them hold elected office.
Healthy Tips
Take Vitamin G. Improve your attitude with a dose of gratitude daily. Studies have shown that 90 percent of people say expressing gratitude made them happier people and more than 75 percent said it reduced stress and depression and gave them more energy. Start by making an effort to thank people more often. Then advance to counting your blessings at least once a day for 30 seconds. Need some suggestions? Be thankful for your health, your food, your family, and friends. Heck, thank your letter carrier even if all he brings is bills. He or she may be out of a job next month.
Here's a Cute One
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
Stacked Funnies
SOME REDNECK JOKES…** Q: What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? A: Hey y'all… Watch this! ** Q: Why did the Redneck highjack a plane and demand to be taken to Jeopardy A: Because he was told that 1000 jobs were in Jeopardy. ** Q: How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck? A: Anyone else would have called it a “teethbrush”.