Just For Laughs
One evening an old farmer in Florida decided to go down to the swimming pond he had dug several years ago, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit from his orchard he’d pass along the way. When he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!” The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I'm here to feed the alligator.”
On This Day in History
MAY 31: Events: 1930 First woman to run 100 yards was Stella Walsh in 10.8 seconds. 1967 Evel Knievel jumps 16 cars on a motorcycle at Ascot Speedway in California. 1993 American Joni Phelps is First blind woman to climb Mt. McKinley.
Famous Birthdays
MAY 31: Famous Birthdays Tom Berenger, actor Clint Eastwood, actor Colin Farrell, actor Brooke Shields, actress Peter Yarrow, singer, composer
Betcha Didn't Know This!
In 1980, Detroit presented Saddam Hussein with a key to the city.
On the Light Side
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesus."
Kids Say the Darnest Things
A grandfather and his little granddaughter were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, “Did God make you, Grandpa?” “Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me too?” “Yes, He did,” the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. “You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.”
Where Did This Come From?
SIDEKICK: The term comes from the days of notorious pickpocket activities in London. They had their own language for different pockets that were the style of the day. For example: Jerve as a vest pocket. And Kick was a pocket on the side in a pair of pants. And the Pratt was the back pocket. Of all the pockets, the most difficult to pick was the KICK, because it was close to the victim's leg and was always moving. After a while, smart people discovered that the safest spot to keep your money was in his "side kick" or side pocket of his pants. Today the term now means a faithful partner or pet that is by ones side, often even helpful and protective.
Idiot Sightings
IDIOT SIGHTING - Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Stay Alert! They walk among us... (they drive, too)... they reproduce... they vote and I'm sure that many of them hold elected office.
Healthy Tips
Go to Sleep Without Sheep. Instead of counting fence-hurdling sheep to fall asleep, just wear socks. Swiss researchers found that people fell asleep quickest when their hands and feet were warmest. This happens because warm feet and hands cause blood vessels to enlarge, allowing more heat to escape your body, which in turn lowers your core temperature faster and causes you to nod off sooner. The researchers say putting on socks may help you fall asleep in half the time it normally takes.
Here's a Cute One
SON: Daddy, there's a man at the circus who jumps on a horse's back, slips underneath his belly, catches hold of its tail and finishes on the horse's neck! FATHER: That's nothing. I did all that the first time I rode a horse!
Stacked Funnies
FUNNY SIGNS: ** Sign at an Amelia Island, FL podiatrist office: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed." ** State Park in California: "Weather Station (A large sign with a rock hanging on a rope) Check the rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado." ** Sign in a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out!